A Piece Of Advice

So, I've been trying to think of some advice for the world-at-large. There are so many people bitching and moaning about their problems anymore that I feel that it is my duty, as a pretentious know-it-all, to provide these people with a solution. During the pizza escapade, I believe that I unknowingly stumbled upon the perfect advice for the world. It is related as a cavemanesque anecdote:

Pan go into oven cold.
Pan come out of oven hot.
Head cold.
PUT HEAD IN OVEN!!!

This may, indeed, be the best advice that I've given anybody to date. Sure, I've turned a couple of lives around (who hasn't), but this one is VERY orthogonal.

I hope you take it to heart.

I Hate Frozen Pizza

Seriously ... I flat out hate frozen pizza (depsite the fact that I currently have a freezer full of prison pizzas). On the bright side, I've been depressed as shit for the last few days (I guess that I could have titled this entry "I Fucking Hate Women"), so I did some cooking. I now have a fridge full of non-frozen pizza.

So, six pizzas (cooked, not eaten) into my night last night, I decided that it would be an awesome April Fool's Day gag to take a perfectly good pizza in for my coworkers to have for lunch. They all know that I have a rather off sense of humor, so I didn't have to even infer that I'd laced the dough with strychnine or anything ... they all just assumed.

Turns out that the one that I took in was the best out of the bunch ... the dough that I'm using has such a high liquid content that it took for fucking EVER to cook, but it was the only pizza out of the batch that came out fully cooked ... I think that could also have something to do with using the proper heat setting, but who's counting?

Next time I cook pizza, I'm just gonna set the oven to self-cleaning mode. It's scarcely coal-oven quality, but 800 degrees (Fahrenheit) is bloody close enough. Also, I need to get some better pans. I was using the "get these three cookie sheets for three bucks" pans from WalMart (as it's what I had available), and those fuckers simply do not transfer heat well at all. As such, the very bottom of the pie and the edge crusts get good and done, but anything that's not directly hit by the heat is left feeling like a limp dick. I've never eaten limp dick, of course, so that comparison is purely by conjecture of knowing what a limp dick feels like and guessing as to the texture.